Begging Grace

You know how you look at some women and they just seem to have it all together?  Their children always look immaculate with cute outfits and matching hair bows.  Their houses are clean, they never forget a deadline and a hair is never out of place.

I am not one of those women.  Most days I am lucky if I get my own hair brushed, let alone my children's.  My house is messy more days than it is clean and if I can find a matching top and bottom for my children to wear I am ahead of the game.  And let's not even talk about deadlines . . .

Now, throw in the fact that my husband has been gone all week and I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water.

I share all this to ask that you will give me grace in regards to today's Knowing God blog post. 

Today I ask that you just reflect on the names of God that we have studied this week and ask Him how you can apply what you have learned to your daily life.

I also suggest visiting one or two of my favorite blogs listed over at the right side of this page.

We will be back tomorrow with our regularly scheduled program . . .

Day 5: Yaweh Ropheka, The Lord Who Heals

“Yaweh is the builder of Jerusalem.  He is the one who gathers the outcasts of Israel together.  He is the Rophe of the brokenhearted.  He is the one who bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:2-3

I had just been given two pain pills and a dose of Benadryl before we got the news.  Abigail's small body was failing and her doctor needed to see me right away.  My mind desperately tried to focus on the words that the doctor was sharing as my body fought to fall asleep.  “She is very, very sick . . . her lungs are like that of a 25 week old preemie . . . we believe there is an infection in her blood stream . . . she will most likely not make it through the next 72 hours . . . we need you to be prepared to lose her.”

Sunday, March 19th, 2006 was the day that my life changed forever.  I was 25 weeks pregnant with our first child and anxiously awaiting my husband to return from a business trip that had him overseas for the previous month.  I decided to lay down to take a nap before picking him up from the airport.  When I woke up I discovered that my water had broke.  And thus began the most intense roller coaster of emotions I have ever been on in my entire life.

When I first arrived at the hospital, my OBGYN started to comfort me on the loss of my baby.  I was completely stunned.  My baby was still alive!  I politely told her that my God was bigger than her assessment of the situation and that I was trusting in Him for my daughter's life.

It was at this point that I was transferred to a hospital that was better able to care for us.  I laid in that extremely uncomfortable hospital bed for two weeks, all the while praying for the safe delivery of my precious child.  The day came when they were no longer able to safely hold off delivery and Abigail Rose was born via emergency c-section. 

You know how expectant mothers dream of what the moment is going to be like when their baby is born? How they wonder what it is going to be like to hold their child for the first time and gaze into their eyes?  I never got the moment that I had been dreaming about for the past 5 months.  Abigail was wisked away to the NICU immediately after being born.  I barely even got to see her. 

And now, here I was, 8 hours later being told that she would most likely not survive.  As I was wheeled into the NICU to see her for the first time, my senses were bombarded with all of the alarms and noises that are the constant chorus of the place that would become our home for the next 89 days.

Abigail at about two weeks old.

She looked so extremely fragile, barely the size of my hand, just two pounds nine ounces.  Her little body was vibrating from the force of the ventilator that was keeping her alive.  Her eyes were covered to protect them from the bright light that shone down in an effort to help her break down toxic bilirubin.  What I remember most, though, were her legs.  She was kicking them straight up in the air.  I would come to look for those legs each time I walked around the corner as I entered the NICU.  The doctors and nurses said that it was a sign that she was a fighter.

Over the course of the next few days, I sat beside my daughter’s isolette and prayed.  My family prayed.  Friends prayed.  They asked their churches to pray.  Eventually people from all over the country were praying for my daughter.  And Yaweh Ropheka, The Lord Who Heals, heard our prayer.

When Abigail was taken off the ventilator six days after her birth, the doctor said that he had no explanation as to why she was doing so well.  We knew, though, Yaweh Ropheka had heard our prayer.  When they informed us that there was a problem with her heart that would most likely need surgery to repair, we prayed.  The next day, when the cardiologist performed his scan, her heart had been healed.  Yaweh Ropheka had heard our prayer.  When they came to us and told us that her brain was bleeding, we prayed.  The next day the bleeding stopped.  Yaweh Ropheka had heard our prayer.

Time and time again, the Lord looked down upon us with mercy and choose to answer the prayers we prayed for our little girl.  The baby who was not going to make it through the first 72 hours of her life is now an energetic, outgoing five year old who is whizzing through her math lessons and is loving learning to read.  The baby with the damaged lungs who could not breath on her own for the first six months of her life is now the little girl who can belt out a broadway style tune the likes of Barbara Streisand (we’re still working on her pitch).

Proudly displaying her new bible at Awana Cubbies graduation

I do not know why God choose to heal my little girl and why He allows others to perish or to suffer disability.  My heart breaks for the families whose outcomes our not like our own.  But I have no explanation for the survival of my daughter other than Yaweh Ropheka choose to answer the prayers of many and heal her.

Just as Yaweh Ropheka healed my daughter’s physical heart and head, He also works to heal our spiritual hearts and minds.  I carry deep wounds in my heart that were inflicted by my earthly father, but the Great Physician is ever so gently healing those wounds.  A constant litany of negative self-talk runs through my head, the replaying of hurtful things that were said to me and the hurtful things that I say to myself.  God is healing my mind by replacing those falsehoods with the truth of His word.

As a gaze into Abigail’s room while she sleeps under the delicate canopy of purple and green flowers, I sing praises in my heart for the great things that He has done.  I am also inspired to be bold in praying for healing.  Yaweh Ropheka still heals!  I am challenged to pray not just for physical healing for myself and those that I love, but for spiritual healing, as well.

And hopefully I will again be able to say, Yaweh Ropheka heard my prayer.

Background

The Hebrew word rophe means “heal,” “cure,” “restore,” or “make whole.”  Shortly after his people left Egypt for the Promised Land, God revealed himself as Yaweh Ropheka, the Lord Who Heals.  The Hebrew Scriptures indicate that God is the source of all healing.  (Ann Spangler, The Names of God Study Bible)

Further Study: Exodus 15:20-27

Day 4: El Roi, The God Who Sees Me

“Hagar named Yahweh, who had been speaking to her, ‘You Are El Roi.’  She said, ‘This is the place where I watched the one who watches over me.’”  Genesis 16:13

“I’m scared!”, Abigail cries as I push our three person stroller through the parking lot.  The night sky shines above us at the end of a wonderful day of visiting with family.  But Abigail’s joy has been replaced with fear, for she is afraid of the dark.  I try to comfort her with all the things that mothers say, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.  I won’t let anything happen to you.  It’s just night time.”  None of this brings any comfort to her and the whines and cries continue to ring out in the darkness.

Then comes one of those moments when you are both humbled and inspired by your children.  My middle child Bethany (who is 3) says, “It’s okay Abigail.  God is always watching you.  He won’t let anything happen to you.  No need to be afraid.”  Tears well in my eyes as I am confronted with such a pure childlike faith.

As I load the girls into our messy mini-van, my heart is heavy with the question, “Do I really believe?  Do I believe that God is always with me, watching over me?”.  Unfortunately the answer is no.  In my head, maybe, but definitely not in my heart.  I admit that there have been times in my life where I have doubted His presence.  It is only in hindsight that I come to realize He was there watching over me all along.

That is why I find the story of Hagar so amazing.  Hagar, an egyptian slave whose mistress cast her off after using her to conceive a child.  In the ancient world it was a normal practice to use a slave to conceive an heir if you were barren.  Being accepted, does not make something easy, though.  Can you imagine being in Hagar’s position?  You are a slave, your master has sex and conceives a child with you and then your mistress becomes so jealous that she casts you off into the desert.  You don’t know where you will go or where your next meal will come from.

Just when all hope seems to be lost, The Messenger of Yaweh finds her and gives her direction as to what to do next.  He then gives her a promise to bless her with many descendants.  Hagar encountered God in the desert and because the Lord saw her misery and provided for her in the midst of a desperate circumstance, she called him by a name unique in the Bible, “El Roi, the God Who Sees Me”.

Oh, that I would remember this through every moment of my day.  El Roi is not just watching over me, but He SEES me.  He knows me and cares about me even when I feel as though no one else does or that no one understands who I am.

We, like Hagar, are in the desert of our sinful and barren lives until El Roi meets us.  He guides us through His Word in the Bible and has given us the promise of eternal life through His son Jesus Christ.  El Roi sees us.  He knows every hair on our head and sees the darkest place in our hearts and loves us anyway.  El Roi is always watching over us and even though we cannot always see it at the time, He is working all things for good for those who love Him.

Have you had a personal encounter with El Roi?  Can you share a time in your life where it was clear He was watching over you?

For Further Study: Genesis 16:1-6; 21:1-21, Psalm 139

Day 3: Elohim, the Creator God

“In the beginning, Elohim created heaven and earth.” Genesis 1:1

As we sort through the musty old cardboard boxes that have been stored in our garage for the past several years, I hear my husband exclaim, “I found another one!”  I look over and see him holding a piece of cross stitch fabric that has little colored “x”s splashed all over it.  What my husband has found is yet another unfinished craft project.

You see, I am a “maker”.  I love to make things.  Unfortunately, I tend not to finish things.  There is the latch-hook unicorn rug that I started when I was 7, the ceramic christmas village that I started when I was 10 and the cross-stitch baby quilt that I started when I found out that by best friend was having her first child, just to name a few.  That baby is now 10 years old.

It is because of my love for “making” that I am most able to relate to the first name given to God in the bible, Elohim.  In Genesis 1:1 we are introduced to our creator God.  Elohim is the one who created all things, the heavens and the earth, the seas and the dry land and ultimately mankind.  All living things were created by Elohim.

Unlike Elohim, I have never created anything and what I make is far from perfect.  To create means to bring something out of nothing.  In Genesis we see Elohim not just as a creator, but as a powerful and intelligent God who has authority over all things.   

I walk through my house and am greeted at every turn with some sort of unfinished project.  I find joy in the process of making, not necessarily in the final creation.  Genesis 1:31 states, “And Elohim saw everything that he had made and that it was very good.”  God takes joy not just in the process, but Elohim finds joy in His creation. 

And here is the incredible part, Elohim, creator of all things finds joy in us!  Take a moment and let that sink in.  Elohim created us, He said all that He created was good, so He finds joy in me despite what I see as my flaws.  How would we live our lives differently today if we believed this in the core of our being? 

Background

Elohim (e-lo-HEEM) is the plural form of El or Eloah, one of the oldest designations for divinity in the world.  It can refer either to the true God or to pagan gods.  Though El is used more than 200 times in the Hebrew Bible, Elohim is used more than 2500 times.  Its plural form is used not to indicate belief in many gods but to emphasize the majesty of the one true God.  Christians will recognize a reference to the Trinity, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  (Ann Spangler, The Names of God Study Bible)

Day 2: A Confession and A Prayer

Confession time. I am freaking out about the next 30 days. Now that I have made the commitment to write about the character of God everyday, I am afraid that I will not have anything to say and even more afraid that no one will listen. I ask my self the question, "How can I teach people about really knowing God, when I still struggle with my false view of Him on a daily basis?".

My husband gently pointed out this morning (he is good at that) that I am exactly where God wants me to be. If I had it all together and were able to do this on my own strength, than He would not receive the glory. I would. If instead, I allow God to work through and in spite of my weaknesses, He will get all the glory.

And so I thought, for day 2 of this journey, we should start with prayer. That we should begin with the first part of Matthew 7, "Ask and you will receive".

"Lord God in Heaven, Elohim, The Beginning and The End, The First and the Last, Abba Father, we come to you now and ask that You will meet us where we are over the next 30 days.  You alone know where each woman stands in her walk with you.  I pray that you will prepare our hearts as we embark on this journey to really know You.

Lord, I am the least qualified of all to lead this study of You and Your Character.  Please use me in spite of my weaknesses and struggles.  Give me the words, the stories to effectively communicate the message that You have placed on my heart to share.

Reveal Yourself to us, Father.  Do not leave us the way we are, but let us find ourselves changed.  Changed, not just for our own benefit, but changed so that we can that pass on Your matchless love to those around us.

Let You alone receive all the glory.

In your matchless holy name I pray, 

Amen."

Day 1 of Thirty-One Days of Knowing God
Day 3 of Thirty-One Days of Knowing God 

Thrity-One Days of Knowing God

“Mama, look!”, Bethany exclaims as she proudly shows me the Cinderella nightgown that her daddy bought her while I was out teaching this morning. As she spins and twirls the beautiful white chiffon billows around her, just like the dreams that she is spinning in her childlike imagination.

I know these dreams well, because they were my own. I used to dream that I was a princess. I would pretend that I lived in a grand castle and that I had a magnanimous king for a father. I think this childhood fantasy resonated so much with me because it was the furthest thing from my reality. Instead of a kind and loving king for a father, I was born to a man whose addictions prevented him from providing for his family, both financially and emotionally.

I can remember my mother quoting to me from Psalm 68:5, “God is a father to the fatherless”. Though well-intentioned, this did nothing to provide comfort to my aching heart, for I had no frame of reference for what it meant to be a father.

So often, we view God through the lens of our earthly father. Unfortunately, for many of us, that lens is damaged and broken. Maybe your father was not an addict like mine. Maybe he was a workaholic, emotionally distant, or even completely absent from your life. Maybe you had the perfect father, but I guarantee that you have friends who are currently struggling with this issue.

So what do we do? What do we do when we find ourselves in the place where we are struggling to know who God is, but we just cannot seem to find Him?

I believe that answer can be found in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find . . .” We need to ask God to reveal Himself to us. Not just in our heads, but to imprint His love on our hearts. And in doing so He will imprint Himself, because He is the complete essence of love.

Second, we need to seek. We need to search the scriptures for examples of God’s character. One of the most powerful ways of doing this is to study the Hebrew names of God. There is so much rich meaning in the many different titles that the Hebrew authors assigned to God. Studying the meaning of names such as “Yahweh”, “Elohim” and “El Roi” can help us see God for who He truly is, instead of who we think He is based on our earthly experiences.

Years ago, I traced my mother’s family history back to a man who was born in the 1560s in Ireland and who most likely came to this continent as an indentured servant. At the time, I didn’t look into my father’s lineage, because frankly, I was afraid of what I might find.

Recently, though, I was pulled in by one of those Ancestry.com commercials. You know, the ones with the little shaky leaves. When I entered my dad’s mother’s name into the search field, I was amazed to find her in a distance relatives family history file. As I followed her line back through the centuries it ended in the 1200s. And when I clicked the last link on the screen, it was like the heavens opened and the angels started singing, because the name on the screen read, “Edward I, King of England”. (For those who did not pay attention in history class, that would be Longshanks from the movie Braveheart).

When I took a chance and consulted the earthly records, I found out that I am not just the daughter of a broken earthly father. I discovered that I am the 22 great-granddaughter of the King of England!

But even more so, when I took a greater chance and sought God in the scriptures, I discovered that we are ALL the daughters of the King of all Kings and our inheritance in Him is worth more than all the treasure in all the castles on this earth.

If you can relate with the struggle to truly know God, won’t you join me in an adventure for the next 30 days? Each day, we are going to look at one name from the original biblical text. We will study the meaning behind the name and how knowing that meaning can change how we relate to God on a daily basis.

I definitely do not have all of the answers and I am far from figuring it all out. I continue to wrestle with the demons from my past on a daily basis. But I do know this, Matthew 7:7 ends with a promise, “seek and you will find” and one thing I do know about God is that He always keeps His promises.


If you are going to join us in this quest, won’t you introduce yourselves? And if you feel comfortable, share a little about where you are in your journey to know God?

Day 2: A Confession and A Prayer

The Danger of Homeschooling

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

Things have been quiet here on the blog over the last month, but they definitely have not been quiet here at my house or in my soul. Let me explain . . .

First, some things you should know about me. I am completely challenged in the area of home organization and house cleaning. Now, don’t get me wrong, my house does not look like an episode of Hoarders, but it will never make the cover of Better Homes and Gardens either. I have always been this way. Just ask my very-gifted-in-the-area of-home-organization mother.

Something else to know about me; I am a complete over-achiever and perfectionist. For example, I had perfect attendance and was on the honor roll for 6 straight years in middle and high school, finally graduating as valedictorian of my senior class.

It is very difficult for this self-professed perfectionist to look around her house and see that it is NOT perfect. I have struggled on a daily basis for most of my adult life with the fact that I just cannot seem to get it together in this area of my life (that fact that I have three children 5 years old and under is not helping the state of things at the moment).

Feelings of guilt and defeat have plagued me on a daily basis, until a few months ago. God did an amazing work in my heart over the summer. He showed me that He accepts me just as I am. He knows I am messy. Heck, He made me that way! And while He expects me to be a good steward of the things He has given me, He gives me grace when I struggle to keep those things in their proper place.

He helped me to see that there are far more important things to focus on in life than the growing pile of laundry in the bedroom corner. There are millions of hurting people around the world that do not know Him. People who need shelter, children who are dying of starvation, Christians who are being persecuted for their faith. In light of that, how can I worry about having the perfectly organized house?

While my focus was inward and on my mess, my soul was restless and guilt ridden. When I turned my focus outward, I found a peace that can only come with being right in the center of God’s will for our life.

But over the last few weeks, that peace has slowly slipped away. You see, I started homeschooling my daughters this year and my focus went from out to in. I started to slip back into old habits of basing my worth on how much I accomplished around the house on a given day. My purpose each day has been to be the best homeschooling mama I can be and to give them the best education that I can give them.

So what is wrong with that, you say? Well, the Lord showed me today that educating my daughters for the sake of them knowing how to read or how to add numbers is not enough. It is not enough that they develop a love for nature or classical music or great artists. The main focus in educating my children must be to train them up to be disciples of Christ who will in turn make other disciples. When I homeschool with this goal in mind, my focus immediately goes from in to out and my soul finds peace again.

And so for me, homeschooling is going to be dangerous. Dangerous because I am going to be so tempted to focus on myself, my life, my mess, my shortcomings. It is going to mean leaning on the Lord daily to give me the strength, not just to educate my children, but to do it with the right heart attitude.

When I am finally gone from this earth and standing before the Lord, I take comfort in the fact that He is not going to hold me accountable for the number of dust bunnies I cleaned from under my bed, but rather the number of lives I helped touch through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

How about you? Do you struggle with focusing in instead of out? What helps you keep your focus where God calls it to be?


This post linked up at: